1) Don’t try to make the grieving person feel better. YOU CANNOT. For many grievers it only serves to make them feel guilty or worse. Grievers MUST experience the pain of grief for healing to ultimately occur.

2) Don’t tell the griever to give it time. Time has stopped for the griever. Life proceeds in slow motion. Life is too surreal to be identified with time.

3) Don’t try to divert the griever’s attention away from their pain by talking about something else. If you do, when you exit their presence, the reality will generally hit all the harder. Also, it may seem to the grieving that you are uncomfortable with them talking to you about their grief. If they sense this, they will alienate themselves from you.

4) Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has died by name. If it makes you uncomfortable, it may want to assess your preparedness for helping. To recover from grief, the griever must have a realistic picture of the dead.

5) Don’t be frightened by tears…the griever’s or your own. Tears are apertures of release and help the griever express their sorrow in healthy ways with your presence as a cushion of warmth and empathy.

6) Don’t be concerned about saying the right things. Let the grieving person talk. Just listen and encourage their talking. Your presence is more meaningful than anything you can say.

7) Don’t argue with grieving individuals. Instead, reassure. You may hear statements such as, “I wish I had done this or had been more considerate” and so forth. Reassure them that they did what they could have done at the time not knowing _______ (name of deceased) would die when he/she did.

Don’t use euphemisms and flowery language. Generally, it only makes the situation seem more artificial and unreal. For example, don’t say “passed away” or “expired” when you mean “died.” The griever need to hear “dead.”

9) Don’t be afraid of silence. Silence on the helpers part show that you do not have all the answers and do not feel the need to pretend that you do. Furthermore, it gives grievers time to process thought and express feelings.

10) Don’t make general statements of help such as “If you need me, give me a call.” Chances that they will call are almost nil. Instead, be specific. For example, tell them about a group support group being conducted in their area; or tell them you will stop by next week to see if there is some housework you can help them with; or ask if you can bring dinner by tomorrow.

11) Don’t isolate grievers. Don’t cut your conversation or visit short because you are uncomfortable or because you are too busy. (Never look at your watch or the clock in their presence). Be ready with gentle words and a listening ear. Your sincerity and concern is the best proof to the griever that he/she still has resources to draw from.

12) Don’t become impatient. Many grievers ramble on and on and repeat themselves in their shock and confusion. Supporting with patience, empathy and compassion reveals your care.

13) Don’t be judgmental or rejecting. Grievers are hurting badly. They do not need your judgments and abandonment at this difficult time in their lives.

14) Don’t tell grieving people you know how they feel. YOU DON’T. Even though many helpers have also experienced loss due to death, each experience is different and felt differently. Your pain is never someone else’s pain.

15) Don’t let your own needs determine the experience for the griever.

16) Don’t push the bereaved into new relationships before they are ready. They will let you know when they are open to new experiences.

17) Don’t impose your value system on the bereaved. Your beliefs or ways of doing things may not be theirs.

18) Don’t elaborate on your personal experiences of loss to the bereaved.

19) Don’t let the griever forget their children’s grief and special needs during this time.

20) Don’t be afraid to touch, hold, hug (etc.) the griever. The feelings generated is worth more than a thousand words.

Needless to say, the time after loss is volatile and confusing for most people. Unresolved issues come to the fore and questions we have not answered must often be confronted. Along with a sense of abandonment and sorrow, anger often arises. Most have little understanding of what they are going through, or what to expect in the future. Facing the unknown can produce additional fear.

Yet crisis means opportunity. When the process of grief is handled properly suffering can be diminished and symptoms that may appear later, can be forestalled. It is even possible for the individual to grow a great deal during this time and benefit from the experience.

The more we understand what we are going through, the less out of control we will feel. At a time like this we need context, meaning and direction. We need to know what to expect and how to handle the many changes that are happening.

The Dynamics of Loss and Grief

Each person reacts differently to loss and that is fine. Some feel abandoned, others feel betrayed and afraid. Some reach out for love and comfort, while others withdraw, wanting time alone. Some go into denial and seem not to register the loss that has happened. These individuals are often unconsciously processing what has happened, not ready to face reality yet. They may fear they will be overwhelmed if they allow themselves to register what has gone on at this time.

It is best not to pressure a person to react differently. When the individual is accepted for who they are at the moment, it is easier for them to let go, and move on. This entire process takes time. It helps greatly to realize that the pain we go through during grief is normal. It does not mean there is something wrong with us. We need not feel ashamed of or afraid of our feelings.

What Happens When We Are Grieving

When we are grieving, interest in the outside world subsides, we slow down, sleep more, our social activities seem less meaningful. This is not necessarily bad. An individual may need more time alone. In this process the grieving individual is contemplating the nature of their lives and relationships, and coming to terms with the person they’ve lost. They may be reviewing that which was left unsaid or undone.

Grief is usually most difficult when the individual has had troubled or incomplete relationship. When there have been unsolved conflicts left behind, this makes it harder to be at peace. Many spend time blaming themselves for what they did or didn’t do. Others blame doctors, helpers or family members. Casting blame is a way of removing the guilt and sorrow we feel. The sooner they are able to let go of blame and accusations, the sooner they start on the road of healing.

Let Go Of Blame

Blame, self hate and other forms of anger, are common during grief. Although it is important not to repress anger and disappointment, it is best to feel it and then let it go. Some individuals hold onto anger as a way of keeping connected to the person or situation they have lost. The truth is that anger always keeps us out of balance. It is a poison to the one who holds onto it.

Coming To Terms – Steps You Can Take

Ultimately one must reconcile oneself to what happened. Most people do all they can to avoid experiencing their feelings or situation directly. Many fear that if they face their suffering, it will make them feel small and helpless. Actually, the opposite is true. In order to deal with grief wisely, it’s best not to control or resist the feelings. When different emotions arise be gentle with yourself and patient. When these feelings are not resisted, they simply come to awareness and then fade away.

Feelings that are repressed come out later in different ways, including various physical symptoms, phobias and unwanted behaviors. If we do not address our feelings in one mode, they will appear in another – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Through acceptance of reality, of oneself and the other, one develops the power the affirm life, and to grow. One can then give to others, and become a source of inspiration, and live a life that is meaningful. The discovery and experience of value and meaning in one’s life and one’s losses is the most potent healing of all.

Hopefully, we come to a point where forgiveness can take place, (forgiveness of the person we’ve lost, forgiveness of ourselves, the universe, or whatever it is we feel anger with). In order to do this, it is deeply helpful to realize that all of life is temporary. People possessions, situations are given to us for a short time. As we acknowledge the transitory nature of life, we can then begin to look deeper and see what it is that we never lose.

Below are a couple of exercises that are helpful in coming to terms with the relationship you have lost, and with the meaning of loss itself.

Exercise – Giving Gifts

Make a list of the gifts you received from the person, the ways they taught and inspired you. Now find ways to give those gifts to others. As you do so, not only will you be acknowledging what you received from that person, but honoring their memory and keeping their spirit alive.

Exercise – It Suffices

Whenever you think of the person and the way they fell short, what they didn’t give you, say to yourself, “It Suffices.” This is in recognition that they gave all they could, being who they were, and that you can feel satisfied with what you received. (This is an ancient Buddhist practice)

Prayer, Silence And Meditation

Of course the deepest sense of healing, peace and security can come from our connection to God, A Higher Power or our Higher Selves, (different people call it by different names). During the process of grieving it is very helpful to be able to connect with that which is ultimately meaningful to you. Either through prayer, silence, contemplation or meditation, know that you are looked after and protected and that there is a larger purpose in all that happens, though you may not be totally aware of it. Our true security, in all kinds of circumstances, comes from this kind of understanding.

Exercise

- Turn to a feeling you are having and enter a dialogue with it. Ask, “What are you saying to me?” Listen for an answer. Ask, “What can I learn from this difficult situation? How can I grow strong?” Become silent and listen. As you do this more and more, insight and inspiration will come your way.

- Think of three times in your life when you felt particularly sad or upset. Notice how you handled it. Did you express the feeling? Did you take action on it? Did you pretend it wasn’t there? What happened to you physically? Take a moment to write all this down. Look at the connections between your feelings, actions and reactions. Become aware.

As you become more aware of the journey grief takes you on, you will grow, emotionally and spiritually. You will realize that after loss, something new is always born. Life never stops offering opportunities. Knowing this you will become a source of strength and inspiration to others at this time as well.

It is not very often that I have an issue with writing an article or even a book for that matter. There are so many things to write about, the world is a goldmine of information and stories.

It is 7:35 am on a Sunday morning and I have been staring at my keyboard for over half an hour without typing a single line of text. My mind has been racing over all the possibilities and has not been able to focus on any particular subject.

All is well in the world, it is perfect the way it is and I can see the beauty in all of its circumstances. The wars in our homes, our communities and around the world have purpose, they are being fought because there are two sides that have agreed engage in war with each other and both have freedom of choice and opportunity to do so.

I see and hear about natural disasters around the world and I can witness the beauty in them. They are people powered and it is right and proper that they should happen. Disasters do not have a mind of their own and are created by intelligence, our intelligence. I can see the perfection in how this works and do not feel compelled at this time to change it.

I personally know people who are struggling and I read about others in the newspapers and see the struggles on TV. These are individual stories of tragedy and suffering and I can see the beauty in the struggle. I don’t care to change how I experience these stories at this time.

As I write this article I noticed that I have focused on all the negative stuff that is going on in the world at this time. I am aware that I have a tendency towards doing that. The positive side of the observations in what I am really experiencing is freedom, unconditional love and compassion.

At the very deepest level of spiritual understanding, one would know that humanity creates its own circumstances and is not the victim of God’s wrath or anyone else’s. Humanity creates its own drama, its own struggles and its own natural disasters. I cannot at this moment think of a greater display of unconditional love than what I am witnessing in the world right now.

Humanity has been given absolute freedom to experience anything that it can think of in the physical world. Man can destroy man, women can destroy women and the spirit will survive, our survival is guaranteed. The ego has carte blanche to destroy its body and others that would participate and yet it will still live. The tragedy appears to be only in the minds of men in loosing the body, and even that cannot be destroyed but transformed.

At this moment the greatest love that I can give the world is to recognize how beautiful it is and not experience the drama. The ugly side of humanity has its own beauty. For the moment I have chosen to dwell on a deeper beauty and recognize the love and compassion that it represents. To try and change any of it would be trespassing or spiritual malpractice. Every life is purposeful and has its own meaning. It is only my thinking that would allow me to experience it one way or the other.

All is well in the world at this moment unless I decide differently. It is my place to experience it in the way that I choose to. I do not deny that what I see represents the dark side of man. But I also observe the love and light that allows it to happen and at this moment it is shining through.

Roy E. Klienwachter is a resident of British Columbia, Canada. A student of NLP, ordained minister, New Age Light Worker and Teacher. Roy has written and published five books on New Age wisdom. Roy’s books are thought provoking and designed to empower you to take responsibility for your life and what you create. His books and articles are written in the simplicity and eloquence of Zen wisdom.

You may not always agree with what he has to say. You will always come away with a new perspective and your thinking will never be the same.

As friends, relatives or others who care, there is nothing more difficult then watching those we care about endure pain—especially the pain that comes from unexpected tragedy. As a society who is untrained in how to help, we may feel confused or unsure of how to best support those we care for. The following guidelines can help you support your loved one during dark times.

Don’t try to find the magic words or formula to eliminate the pain. Nothing can erase or minimize the painful tragedy your friend or loved one is facing. Your primary role at this time is simply to “be there.” Don’t worry about what to say or do, just be a presence that the person can lean on when needed.

Don’t try to minimize or make the person feel better. When we care about someone, we hate to see them in pain. Often we’ll say things like, “I know how you feel,” or “perhaps, it was for the best,” in order to minimize their hurt. While this can work in some instances, it never works with grief.

Help with responsibilities. Even though a life has stopped, life doesn’t. One of the best ways to help is to run errands, prepare food, take care of the kids, do laundry and help with the simplest of maintenance.

Don’t expect the person to reach out to you. Many people say, “call me if there is anything I can do.” At this stage, the person who is grieving will be overwhelmed at the simple thought of picking up a phone. If you are close to this person, simply stop over and begin to help. People need this but don’t think to ask.

Talk through decisions. While working through the grief process many bereaved people report difficulty with decision making. Be a sounding board for your friend or loved one and help them think through decisions.

Don’t be afraid to say the name of the deceased. Those who have lost someone usually speak of them often, and believe it or not, need to hear the deceased’s name and stories. In fact, many grievers welcome this.

Remember that time does not heal all wounds. Your friend or loved one will change because of what has happened. Everyone grieves differently. Some will be “fine” and then experience deep grief a year later, others grieve immediately. There are no timetables, no rules—be patient.

Remind the bereaved to take care of themselves. Eating, resting and self-care are all difficult tasks when besieged by the taxing emotions of grief. You can help by keeping the house stocked with healthy foods that are already prepared or easy-to-prepare. Help with the laundry. Take over some errands so the bereaved can rest. However, do not push the bereaved to do things they may not be ready for. Many grievers say, “I wish they would just follow my lead.” While it may be upsetting to see the bereaved withdrawing from people and activities—it is normal. They will rejoin as they are ready.

Avoid judging. Don’t tell people how to react or handle their emotions. Simply let them know that you will help in any way possible.

Share a Meal. Invite the bereaved over regularly to share a meal or take a meal to their home since meal times can be especially lonely. Consider inviting the bereaved out on important dates like the one-month anniversary of the death, the deceased’s birthday, etc.

Make a list of everything that needs to be done with the bereaved. This could include everything from bill paying to plant watering. Prioritize these by importance. Help the bereaved complete as many tasks as possible. If there are many responsibilities, find one or more additional friends to support you.

Make a personal commitment to help the one grieving get through this. After a death, many friendships change or disintegrate. People don’t know how to relate to the one who is grieving, or they get tired of being around someone who is sad. Vow to see your friend or loved one through this, to be an anchor in their darkest hour.

I believe that it is an amazing time in our history. Mankind is truly showing his/her capabilities, they are observable because all thoughts are brought into physical being as symbols of thought. War and peace are physical demonstrations of thought. Disasters are also symbols of society’s thinking.

For those of you that are aware of the recent Tsunami event in South East Asia and are not able to donate money to the relief funds, there is something just as important that you can do and it doesn’t require you sending it donations or doing anything.

First, please read this weeks “Channelled Message.” Joseth has done a great job of explaining why it happened.

Second, and possibly even more important; the greatest thing that you can do is not think about it. Do not give the disaster any power. Give positive thoughts to a healthy world and you and I will experience a healthy world.

Your thought about the world is what is creating the circumstances that we are now experiencing. You do not have to have money to send to any relief fund, just stop creating victims. Your greatest gift is one of positive reality. God did not create this event, you did, (we did). Do not turn to God for answers you will not get any. Look inside at your own thoughts and you will find the answers.

Part of the world is suffering and we are all experiencing it. It doesn’t have to be that way. It was not created from outside of ourselves. Clearly it is a global as well as a personal issue.

I always like to go to the bottom line. I see relief funds and donations as bandages. The events themselves have only the importance that you as an individual give it. There are many opportunities for you to express who you are by donating, organizing or doing nothing. Any of these choices are OK if the choice truly expresses who you are. In doing so take caution in that what ever you have chosen to do that you feel good about it and are not doing it from guilt.

Instead of consistently bandaging, I prefer to concentrate on being healthy. Preventative medicine is cost effective in time and resources.

It all starts in your mind, with your thoughts and then is created physically. If you understand how it all works then why not just take the shortcut and think positively and you will experience it.

Doctors, nurses, care givers, health care systems, disaster relief funds, emergency response services are all symbols of negative thinking. We know that we are going to need them, so we create the situations that justify those thoughts; we get sick, have accidents and natural disasters.

In the moment that we can get past these symbols and move into an awareness of being whole, they will all disappear from our experience.

It is observable that society has put all its thoughts into retroactive maintenance of the world body. Take care of it after it happens. We reflect that best in our own physical bodies. It is now our common awareness, that drugs are the answer, not just illegal drugs, but over the counter and prescription drugs. Drugs have taken on a persona as the new saviour. Drugs to get it up, take it down, move it in or out without having to take personal responsibility for it.

The sad part is that it is not in our awareness that it can all be done with a change in thought. We created this situation individually and en mass and it can be and will be changed the same way. The thoughts that create our circumstances come from within, nowhere else and they are simple to change. The power is within us, with very little effort to experience the changes that we desire. First comes thought, then word and finally deed.

It all begins with the awareness that you as an individual have the power to change the world the way you want to experience it. The truth is you are already doing that and always have done it.

When you get tired of experiencing war, disease, famine, lack, natural disasters and accidents, then don’t harbour those thoughts. Don’t support them by watching TV, reading the paper or other materials, gossiping and creating images, songs and poems of such. Refocus your thoughts to produce what you really, really, really, want to experience.

As friends, relatives or others who care, there is nothing more difficult then watching those we care about endure pain—especially the pain that comes from unexpected tragedy. As a society who is untrained in how to help, we may feel confused or unsure of how to best support those we care for. The following guidelines can help you support your loved one during dark times.

Don’t try to find the magic words or formula to eliminate the pain. Nothing can erase or minimize the painful tragedy your friend or loved one is facing. Your primary role at this time is simply to “be there.” Don’t worry about what to say or do, just be a presence that the person can lean on when needed.

Don’t try to minimize or make the person feel better. When we care about someone, we hate to see them in pain. Often we’ll say things like, “I know how you feel,” or “perhaps, it was for the best,” in order to minimize their hurt. While this can work in some instances, it never works with grief.

Help with responsibilities. Even though a life has stopped, life doesn’t. One of the best ways to help is to run errands, prepare food, take care of the kids, do laundry and help with the simplest of maintenance.

Don’t expect the person to reach out to you. Many people say, “call me if there is anything I can do.” At this stage, the person who is grieving will be overwhelmed at the simple thought of picking up a phone. If you are close to this person, simply stop over and begin to help. People need this but don’t think to ask.

Talk through decisions. While working through the grief process many bereaved people report difficulty with decision making. Be a sounding board for your friend or loved one and help them think through decisions.

Don’t be afraid to say the name of the deceased. Those who have lost someone usually speak of them often, and believe it or not, need to hear the deceased’s name and stories. In fact, many grievers welcome this.

Remember that time does not heal all wounds. Your friend or loved one will change because of what has happened. Everyone grieves differently. Some will be “fine” and then experience deep grief a year later, others grieve immediately. There are no timetables, no rules—be patient.

Remind the bereaved to take care of themselves. Eating, resting and self-care are all difficult tasks when besieged by the taxing emotions of grief. You can help by keeping the house stocked with healthy foods that are already prepared or easy-to-prepare. Help with the laundry. Take over some errands so the bereaved can rest. However, do not push the bereaved to do things they may not be ready for. Many grievers say, “I wish they would just follow my lead.” While it may be upsetting to see the bereaved withdrawing from people and activities—it is normal. They will rejoin as they are ready.

Avoid judging. Don’t tell people how to react or handle their emotions. Simply let them know that you will help in any way possible.

Share a Meal. Invite the bereaved over regularly to share a meal or take a meal to their home since meal times can be especially lonely. Consider inviting the bereaved out on important dates like the one-month anniversary of the death, the deceased’s birthday, etc.

Make a list of everything that needs to be done with the bereaved. This could include everything from bill paying to plant watering. Prioritize these by importance. Help the bereaved complete as many tasks as possible. If there are many responsibilities, find one or more additional friends to support you.

Make a personal commitment to help the one grieving get through this. After a death, many friendships change or disintegrate. People don’t know how to relate to the one who is grieving, or they get tired of being around someone who is sad. Vow to see your friend or loved one through this, to be an anchor in their darkest hour.